Mea culpa. I have sinned, by my own fault, and only by my own fault. I have given (mostly, almost entirely at times) free reign to my desires and appetites. And, I have sinned and continue to do so. I feel bad about it. At least a little. I want to be a better man that exercises self-control and that desires only the good and only the good that the Lord has given. To desire what He has not given is to covet, to lust, to not be content, to live in a fantasy world. I live in a fantasy world of my own devising often. I seek it out. I retreat there. I build it like a dream world in Inception.
Bonhoeffer speaks of human community and human love as contrasted with the community and love of the Spirit. Human love loves the other for his or her own sake. It seeks direct contact, to draw the other person into its spell to bind the other to itself, to rule the other. Human love takes the life of the other into its own hands. Human love lives by uncontrolled and uncontrollable dark desires. That's what the man wrote. That pretty much describes me right now. I'm out of control. My desires are at least. And moreover, I find that I don't really want to control them. I want to live them and I get angry (however much I may mask it) when I can't. So I vent them in other ways. Ways that give me control. My love is only human it would seem. No Spirit in it. Perhaps because I don't seek the Spirit. I want the control and so I don't seek to yield it to Him. I don't truly invite His guidance because I'm afraid of what He might say, of what He would turn me away from, of what He would call me to give up. I don't trust that He either can or will give me something better and more deeply satisfying, and so I don't even test those waters. Lord, have mercy on me, a fool in his folly.
I recently became irritated with my grandson for manipulating the attention of other people by misbehaving – saying something loudly over and over, moving to throw something or break something, interrupting conversations with what looked like affection just to divert the attention to himself. I tried to tell him that he can't have what he wants all the time or when he wants it. The world doesn't operate that way. And yet I still try to make it work that way. I told him that he needed to learn how to be content when life wasn't exciting or stimulating or engaging. And yet I'm not content in the dull moments. I'm extremely restless.
O God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy. Draw me back to center, back to you, back to the only true and lasting satisfaction in this strange and wonderful universe that you have made. Perhaps the old monk Caedmon was right after all – You have created nothing that will give me more satisfaction or pleasure or delight than You yourself will give me. I can try this a thousand times and find with Solomon that in the end all is vanity. Lord, help me to be content with what you have given, not long or strive for what you have not given. Especially teach me to be content with the days and hours you have given and the shape and content that each brings, not longing for the days and hours to be filled with something other..... Save me, O God. Especially when I am bored. Especially when my desires are dark and full of self and self-love.
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